Listen, my period was supposed to show up 3 days ago. There's no chance I'm pregnant. I've had PMS for the past week. THE PAST WEEK, PEOPLE!!!
Sorry, that all caps bit? That's part of it. I feel like a goddamned mutant. I'm cramping so badly that I've been walking around the house like a velociraptor. Headache, heartburn, nausea, an almost-sexual desire for chocolate and peanut butter, crying during the Iams commercial? Oh god, check. Check. Check. Check. Sniff... check. I want to throw things, and I never want to throw things. I'm at least four pounds heavier. But you know what my personal favorite is? The room-clearing flatuence. My boyfriend is ready to move out. I'm farting more than my dog. THIS SHIT HAS TO CEASE!!! I just want to buy some tampons, take some advil and get on with my life. And you know, stop farting.
Any of you ladies know a way to make things speed up a bit? I tried jogging but that just hurts my boobs. I also tried pilates, but I was seized by a sudden desire to strangle that skinny pilates bitch, with her "squeeze, squeeze" nonsense.
Also, a tip for those of you in New England: There's a soda called Moxie, which you can usually find at old fashioned grocery stores... you can also buy it on the internet. Some people claim that it tastes like rootbeer gone wrong, but a can of that stuff used to make my period show up within a few hours of consumption. Alas, I'm in the Midwest now and we're Moxie-less. Still, thought I'd throw out the tip.
Thank you for letting me bitch.